“Are you sure?” he asked.
“I’m nine days late” I replied.
He needed no other proof. I’m never late. My period is so regular, you can set your clock by it which was why ‘nine days late’ was all he needed to know he was gonna be a Dada!
Was I ecstatic? Actually, I was petrified. I wasn’t ready to be a mother. I was just settling in to be a wife and we had this plan to wait at least a year before trying for a baby. But best laid plans . . . . . .
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I somehow convinced myself it couldn’t be. After all, I was on the pill. It must be the pills messing with my system, I told myself. I got a pregnancy test kit and HD and I waited with bated breaths as two pink lines appeared – POSITIVE!
I did another one and another and another. All gave the same response – you were definitely inside me!
I did another one and another and another. All gave the same response – you were definitely inside me!
It seemed so unreal but my body soon convinced me how real you were. The hundred meter dash to the bathroom at all hours of the day, the saliva (excuse me) factory that spouted overnight in my mouth, the fatigue, the fast fading desire for food and the sudden increase from a responsive C-cup to a painfully tender D-cup (strictly off limits to HD, to his acute regret) combined to prove the reality of your existence.
And then something happened. I was still scared, but overriding that fear was a burgeoning feeling of love. I couldn’t see you, I couldn’t even feel you but I would put my hands over my still flat tummy and feel this choking feeling well up inside me. I knew I was in love in a way I’d never been in love before.
With you, my baby.
With you, my baby.
The day you became real to your daddy was the day we had our first ultrasound. The doctor was pointing you out to us but all we saw was grainy black and white pictures. And then he turned a dial on the machine and we heard you for the first time.
Thum! Thum! Thum!
Your heartbeat!
It was the most beautiful sound ever.
We held our breaths and listened as the doctor counted off the beats
Thum! Thum! Thum!
140 amazing beats per minute.
I was crying by the time he was through.
I was crying by the time he was through.
Right then I decided I had to see you. I demanded for a 3D ultrasound and insisted my doctor find a diagnostic center where I could get one. Poor guy, I harried him till he finally tracked one down, so off we went.
And there you were!
With your little big head tucked into your chest. Your tiny arms with ten perfect fingers curled round your body. You were so beautiful.
When the doctor told me you were just about the size of a paper clip, I felt this rush of protective tenderness in me. I just wanted to hold you safe in me and keep you away from anything that could hurt you.
Your dad could not even say anything. He just stared and stared at you, unable to believe we had created someone so perfect. He was quiet till we got home and then he said, “She’s a girl”
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I didn’t mind whether you were a girl or a boy, I just wanted you as you were. Beautiful and perfect and mine! But I wanted to be perverse, so I said, “No, HE is a BOY!”
He tickled me gently and said, “You need to go back to your biology. I determine the sex of our baby and I have decided SHE IS A GIRL”
I stuck out my tongue at him and replied, “So far I’m the one carrying HIM, I get to decide. HE is a BOY and his name is HABBAKUK!”
“Heaven forbid” was your dad’s heartfelt response which sent me into peals of laughter.
Of course I had no intention of naming you Habakkuk. I was just goofing around from all the happiness welling up in me.
But I never got to find out if you were a boy or a girl.
One horrible night, three weeks later, I woke up with a sharp pain in my abdomen. It faded then came again sharper than before. Then again and again and again. In panic, we drove to the hospital that night and the doctor examined me then called for an ultrasound scan. I watched in mounting panic as he fiddled with the dials over and over. He got up and called for another doctor who came and fiddled again, then turned and said the words I will never forget – “NO HEARTBEAT”
I shook my head frantically, “NO! Try again”. I tried desperately to still the thumping of my heart. Maybe it was the sound of my galloping heart that was overwhelming the sound of my baby’s heart. I gripped HD’s hand so tightly my nails pierced his skin and drew blood but he didn’t notice, he was gripping me just as tightly.
The doctor tried again but still nothing. The dear man sought to comfort us. He told us sometimes things like this happen and then a few days later the baby’s heartbeat is discovered fine and healthy. He told us to wait and try again a few days later. I clung to his words like a lifeline.
The next three days were the worst of my life.
I forced myself to eat. For you!
I forced myself to sleep. For you!
I swallowed my vitamins and folic acid. For you!
I prayed and confessed. For you!
I lived and breathed. For you!
I forced myself to sleep. For you!
I swallowed my vitamins and folic acid. For you!
I prayed and confessed. For you!
I lived and breathed. For you!
The third day, we repeated the scan and afterward, the doctor took my hands gently and looked into my eyes, “Lade, the gestation sac has collapsed. The fetus is dead”
I snatched my hands away and told him an emphatic NO! I told him of cases I’d read online of such misdiagnosis and the babies ended up being alive. I babbled frantically as I sited numerous examples and begged him to wait and see.
He just stared sadly at me, saying nothing till I couldn’t bear the look in his eyes again and i stood up and ran out of the hospital. HD followed me but I didn’t let him speak. I screamed at him that my baby was fine and he nodded and said nothing.
That night, my body betrayed me in the worst possible way. I started cramping and bleeding as my body fought to expel my baby.
I clamped my legs tight and gripped my tummy. If only I can hold on, I thought, the bleeding and cramps will stop and my baby will be okay. HD grabbed me and carried me to the car. I fought him all the way. I didn’t want to go to the hospital. I screamed at him to let me be. He ignored me and called my doctor who met us at the hospital entrance.
I was wheeled in and an ultrasound confirmed what I didn’t want to accept. My baby was dead and my body was struggling to eject it.
The doctor turned away from me to my husband, having decided I was in no emotional state to make the decision that had to be made. And for the second time that night, I was betrayed again. I saw my husband nod as he told the doctor to go ahead with the D&C.
I tried to get off the bed but they held me down as I struggled desperately. I felt a sharp prick in my arm and then the darkness enveloped me.
When I woke up I knew immediately that you were gone. They had taken you from me. HD said the first words out of my mouth was “Where’s my baby? Bring my baby”. He couldn’t reply me. He could only wait for me to awaken fully to the reality that you were gone from me. Forever!
The well meaning platitudes followed hard and fast – “Don’t worry, by this time next year you will have your baby”. They don’t understand that this time next year will be November, you were supposed to be my May baby.
“You will have other children”. It doesn’t matter whether I have two or three or six or twelve children. They will be your brothers and sisters, but they will never be YOU!
“What of women who are barren? At least you can get pregnant”. How do I tell them that all that doesn’t matter? They didn’t see you, I did. They didn’t carry you in their womb, I did. They didn’t hear your heartbeat, I did. You were alive and healthy and mine! And now you are gone.
And what of the cruelly insensitive nurse who told me, “But you didn’t want a baby before. You were on contraceptives, so why are you crying now?” Her words hurt me, but not as much as the pain of my empty womb.
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The doctor told me nothing I did caused this and nothing I could have done would have stopped it. Things like this happen and medical science, despite the great advancement, still cannot fully explain it. I know all that in my head but in my heart, it doesn’t matter. All I know is I will never feel you kick inside me, I will never hold you and kiss you, I will never watch you sleep with your tiny tushie in the air, I will never see you smile or cry or blow bubbles. You are gone and I don’t know what to do.
Maybe one day I will be able to walk past a pregnant woman without flinching, and see a baby without tears welling up. Maybe one day, I will be able to say goodbye and let you go. But not now; no, not yet.
For now, I want to curl up and escape to a world where I can hear your heartbeat and feel you inside me and I can tell you how much mommy loves you.
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